The Emergence of Me...
“One never learns how the witch became wicked, or whether that was the right choice for her~is it ever the right choice? Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil?" - Gregory Maguire (Wicked, The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West)
{I haven’t blogged in a while and like I said before, I wont be doing so on a frequent basis as I have in the past}
As this year draws to an end, I've realized I've changed a lot. A coming of age of some sort. A lot of things died inside of me this year. My dreams. Long standing beliefs and notions. LOVE. Two of the biggest losses were faith and hope. I came face to face with my own heart and what I thought was my heart’s desire, turned out to be only an illusion. I became aware that I no longer want to get married. Im a free spirit and I do not want to be tied to anyone. If I were married, I would most certainly cheat. I like dating/flirting/whatever with different people, with no roots to anyone in particular. Whoever suits my mood that day. I have a short attention span: today I like you, tomorrow I don’t. And the day after that, well...I just may hate you. Such is my randomness. I think I was always like that but even more so after the Beast and our bizarre, surreal on/off relationship. Yet for all his beastliness, he showed me more about myself and life than everything else combined. He was destined to cross paths with me. To awaken me from the coma-like stupor I’ve spent most of my life in. He’s completely gone from my life now and has been since the beginning of this year. and that’s the way it should be. I don’t want to cross paths with him again. But my life is still tainted by him, his memory bleeding all over the other corners of my life. When I remember him, I still feel a thorn in my heart. My heart, though mostly healed, still holds a wound where he pricked me...the wound bleeds fresh, anytime I touch it. it bleeds a bitter blackness stench that makes me harder, colder...unyielding. Almost as if its turning me into stone. Making me indifferent to so many things, even God. Love turned to hate...and finally burned out till all that is left is a numb indifference. In the end, it doesn’t change who God is, it only changes me. My heart has grown hollow without Him. but even now, I don’t want to go back. I don’t know what I want really. Im sort of in limbo, wherever the wind takes me. I turned 35 last week. And for once it didn’t bother me getting older. Its taken me this long to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. To finally accept my flaws and shortcomings. No one is perfect. I take life as it comes, one day at a time. Whatever happens, happens and I dare not dream...nor hope again.
{I haven’t blogged in a while and like I said before, I wont be doing so on a frequent basis as I have in the past}
As this year draws to an end, I've realized I've changed a lot. A coming of age of some sort. A lot of things died inside of me this year. My dreams. Long standing beliefs and notions. LOVE. Two of the biggest losses were faith and hope. I came face to face with my own heart and what I thought was my heart’s desire, turned out to be only an illusion. I became aware that I no longer want to get married. Im a free spirit and I do not want to be tied to anyone. If I were married, I would most certainly cheat. I like dating/flirting/whatever with different people, with no roots to anyone in particular. Whoever suits my mood that day. I have a short attention span: today I like you, tomorrow I don’t. And the day after that, well...I just may hate you. Such is my randomness. I think I was always like that but even more so after the Beast and our bizarre, surreal on/off relationship. Yet for all his beastliness, he showed me more about myself and life than everything else combined. He was destined to cross paths with me. To awaken me from the coma-like stupor I’ve spent most of my life in. He’s completely gone from my life now and has been since the beginning of this year. and that’s the way it should be. I don’t want to cross paths with him again. But my life is still tainted by him, his memory bleeding all over the other corners of my life. When I remember him, I still feel a thorn in my heart. My heart, though mostly healed, still holds a wound where he pricked me...the wound bleeds fresh, anytime I touch it. it bleeds a bitter blackness stench that makes me harder, colder...unyielding. Almost as if its turning me into stone. Making me indifferent to so many things, even God. Love turned to hate...and finally burned out till all that is left is a numb indifference. In the end, it doesn’t change who God is, it only changes me. My heart has grown hollow without Him. but even now, I don’t want to go back. I don’t know what I want really. Im sort of in limbo, wherever the wind takes me. I turned 35 last week. And for once it didn’t bother me getting older. Its taken me this long to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. To finally accept my flaws and shortcomings. No one is perfect. I take life as it comes, one day at a time. Whatever happens, happens and I dare not dream...nor hope again.
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