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"She is no longer I, she is too long ago, she is only she..."
— Gregory Maguire (Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The main theme for my life during this year: rebooting..rebirthing. Last year, I experienced a death of sorts, spiritually, emotionally. This turned out to be a good thing, even a necessary thing. Letting the old me, with all its wants/needs/shoulda/couldas die off. Just like the caterpillar dies before being reborn as a beautiful butterfly. This metaphor has always resonated deeply within me because it is me, it is my story. I’ve finally discovered my own voice, the inner voice of our souls, our hearts. With all our deepest dreams and desires. desires implanted there by the great divine force we call God. Shutting off all the other voices that interfered in my own discovery of myself and the voice within. Their views, beliefs, opinions. Realizing that the God I believe in and love is not the same God of my family, and their small, narrow-minded views. Their empty religion. Not my religion..never has been, no matter how hard they always tried to shove it down it my throat. Their god is just soooo….small. My GOD is much, much bigger. He cannot be contained and neatly compartmentalized in just one religion, one story. He is all stories, the beginning and the end. He was and will forever be. People think that by following some strict rules that do not apply nor make sense, they have discovered the key to God. He is far too mysterious and complex to ascribe to these neat little formulas we come up with. To gain what? all we’re here to do is simply live….learn, to love…to laugh…and learn to find the voice within which speaks to you ….and following it wherever it may take you. I spent my life being something Im not. Doing what others needed me to do. But now, my sentence is finally coming to an end. I’ve done my time. I did it their way and where did it get me? a heartbroken, empty bitter single mom at the age 34, working a dead-end job that I absolutely detest, barely making ends meet, living paycheck to paycheck, and going through the motions of life and the routine of a fake religion that never resonated with me….and I would’ve continued on in this way for years and years…dying…bleeding…not enough to make a difference, not enough to kill me…just a little every day..always knowing something more was out there, dreaming of something much bigger. NO, I had to die. that was the old me. A new me had to be reborn, with new ideas, a new vision…most of all NEW DREAMS…I finally dare to dream again….to try and touch the sky…how long have I been kept pinned to the ground. How long have my wings been clipped…
I have always known I was born to soar. I allowed fear and my circumstances get in the way. But no more. As much as I hate to give him credit, thank God for the beast. he moved through my life like a maelstrom….with such devastating force, annihilating and consuming everything in its path…everything within me…forcing me to die…leaving nothing behind. Destroying my heart completely, till not even the tiniest shattered pieces remained. But that, as I would discover in the looonnng painful months that came after, would turn out to be the best damn thing that ever happened to me. I had an old crusty heart that held too much damage…too much pain. too many painful memories, bleeding all over each other….ruining me and everything I touched. It needed to be destroyed and rebuilt. I needed to begin again…fresh, with a new song, a new dream in my heart.
Now, I feel truly free. in a way I’ve never known before. I know the path I must take. I don’t have to do it anyone else’s way anymore. Just my way. This is my time. To sing, to jump, to fall...to live. My dreams were not theirs...to get married, have kids and work 9 to 5 job and go to church on Sundays and live quietly, safely the rest of my life. That was never MY DREAM. That was their dream they sold to me and I was tricked into believing was my own. My dream was always to fly and soar. To be unattached, unencumbered with no ties to a husband or children. To be free as a bird, to come and go as I please. To work at my passion which is acting and not a boring 9 to 5 job. To meet like-minded artistic creative individuals who share a common ground and help me in my journey. To discover that my God is all around me, in the beauty of nature, in the quiet still moments, in a song, a picture, in the moments when I am doing what I love. Not within the rigid confines of a religion and a church that were always more about rules and do’s and dont’s than they were about God. I felt so choked…stifled..where was the freedom I was supposed to feel?
The butterfly must be free, to soar as it was intended…if you clip its wings, it will die. too much time spent in this dying state…now im finally awake and alive. This is my time. Mine alone. and I want to enjoy and savor every moment of it.
"Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know."
— Gregory Maguire (Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West)
And so I’ve come up with a short bucket list (for the moment)of things I would like to do soon…… I want to skydive….I want to do more plays. I want to take a trip to California…I want to go to Disney again..by myself…I want to travel to italy or some country in Europe. by myself. I want to quit my job and get a job in the city….i want to take more classes at this studio in nyc where Im taking a class… I wanna go on auditions…I want to see more plays…I want to climb mountains….and surf waves….i want to dance all night….i want to run naked on a beach…
Most of all, I just want to live outside this cage iv’e been in for so long…the doors have finally opened…and im free. and there is no feeling quite like it. Never again will I let ANYONE take my freedom away from me.
— Gregory Maguire (Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The main theme for my life during this year: rebooting..rebirthing. Last year, I experienced a death of sorts, spiritually, emotionally. This turned out to be a good thing, even a necessary thing. Letting the old me, with all its wants/needs/shoulda/couldas die off. Just like the caterpillar dies before being reborn as a beautiful butterfly. This metaphor has always resonated deeply within me because it is me, it is my story. I’ve finally discovered my own voice, the inner voice of our souls, our hearts. With all our deepest dreams and desires. desires implanted there by the great divine force we call God. Shutting off all the other voices that interfered in my own discovery of myself and the voice within. Their views, beliefs, opinions. Realizing that the God I believe in and love is not the same God of my family, and their small, narrow-minded views. Their empty religion. Not my religion..never has been, no matter how hard they always tried to shove it down it my throat. Their god is just soooo….small. My GOD is much, much bigger. He cannot be contained and neatly compartmentalized in just one religion, one story. He is all stories, the beginning and the end. He was and will forever be. People think that by following some strict rules that do not apply nor make sense, they have discovered the key to God. He is far too mysterious and complex to ascribe to these neat little formulas we come up with. To gain what? all we’re here to do is simply live….learn, to love…to laugh…and learn to find the voice within which speaks to you ….and following it wherever it may take you. I spent my life being something Im not. Doing what others needed me to do. But now, my sentence is finally coming to an end. I’ve done my time. I did it their way and where did it get me? a heartbroken, empty bitter single mom at the age 34, working a dead-end job that I absolutely detest, barely making ends meet, living paycheck to paycheck, and going through the motions of life and the routine of a fake religion that never resonated with me….and I would’ve continued on in this way for years and years…dying…bleeding…not enough to make a difference, not enough to kill me…just a little every day..always knowing something more was out there, dreaming of something much bigger. NO, I had to die. that was the old me. A new me had to be reborn, with new ideas, a new vision…most of all NEW DREAMS…I finally dare to dream again….to try and touch the sky…how long have I been kept pinned to the ground. How long have my wings been clipped…
I have always known I was born to soar. I allowed fear and my circumstances get in the way. But no more. As much as I hate to give him credit, thank God for the beast. he moved through my life like a maelstrom….with such devastating force, annihilating and consuming everything in its path…everything within me…forcing me to die…leaving nothing behind. Destroying my heart completely, till not even the tiniest shattered pieces remained. But that, as I would discover in the looonnng painful months that came after, would turn out to be the best damn thing that ever happened to me. I had an old crusty heart that held too much damage…too much pain. too many painful memories, bleeding all over each other….ruining me and everything I touched. It needed to be destroyed and rebuilt. I needed to begin again…fresh, with a new song, a new dream in my heart.
Now, I feel truly free. in a way I’ve never known before. I know the path I must take. I don’t have to do it anyone else’s way anymore. Just my way. This is my time. To sing, to jump, to fall...to live. My dreams were not theirs...to get married, have kids and work 9 to 5 job and go to church on Sundays and live quietly, safely the rest of my life. That was never MY DREAM. That was their dream they sold to me and I was tricked into believing was my own. My dream was always to fly and soar. To be unattached, unencumbered with no ties to a husband or children. To be free as a bird, to come and go as I please. To work at my passion which is acting and not a boring 9 to 5 job. To meet like-minded artistic creative individuals who share a common ground and help me in my journey. To discover that my God is all around me, in the beauty of nature, in the quiet still moments, in a song, a picture, in the moments when I am doing what I love. Not within the rigid confines of a religion and a church that were always more about rules and do’s and dont’s than they were about God. I felt so choked…stifled..where was the freedom I was supposed to feel?
The butterfly must be free, to soar as it was intended…if you clip its wings, it will die. too much time spent in this dying state…now im finally awake and alive. This is my time. Mine alone. and I want to enjoy and savor every moment of it.
"Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know."
— Gregory Maguire (Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West)
And so I’ve come up with a short bucket list (for the moment)of things I would like to do soon…… I want to skydive….I want to do more plays. I want to take a trip to California…I want to go to Disney again..by myself…I want to travel to italy or some country in Europe. by myself. I want to quit my job and get a job in the city….i want to take more classes at this studio in nyc where Im taking a class… I wanna go on auditions…I want to see more plays…I want to climb mountains….and surf waves….i want to dance all night….i want to run naked on a beach…
Most of all, I just want to live outside this cage iv’e been in for so long…the doors have finally opened…and im free. and there is no feeling quite like it. Never again will I let ANYONE take my freedom away from me.
“There is no conflict that man can overcome that will not produce a blessing” – Robert Mckee
ReplyDeleteI congratulate you and overcoming the obstacles that were holding you back. God takes the most messed up moments in our lives and uses them as paint in his masterpiece. I’m glad to see you blogging again and I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. I love your bucket list, very cool stuff. You forgot going to vegas with me on there! Lol. Anyway, take care, blog more and read some of my stuff, girlie!