the DRONE...
The blessed will say, 'we have never lived anywhere except heaven,' and the lost, 'we were always in hell,' and both will be right."
— C.S. Lewis (The Great Divorce)
My life just blows right about now. There is nothing good happening anywhere. Just a general nothingness that has blanketed my entire world. I want to run away from everyone in my life and start fresh somewhere new. Where no one knows my name or who I am. Or maybe just take a months-long sabbatical away from everything...drunk on some island with a ukelele in one hand and a bottle of raspberry Bacardi in the other...spouting off profound drunken musings to the little fishies who keep me company...then maybe I'd get what the point of it all is. The true meaning of life. Or maybe just why the fuck I'm here in the first place because truly, my life is just one big waste. I have contributed nothing, I have done nothing. I mean nothing. Im just a drone. No longer even human...just a robot doing robotic things, barely feeling anything anymore. All the things I want to do, required me starting them about a decade and a half ago. Instead I got stuck here, in some kind of purgatory. Having a child as a teenager pretty much canceled out the rest of my life. I'm a creative person, I need to create. I need to breathe on stage. How could I do that when I had responsibilities to feed, a child, a mortgage, bills. No room for me and my dreams. These days, the only amusement I get is by checking out the “special places” of the various business men I find myself standing/sitting next to on the train..and rating them {visions of naked men are always dancing in my head}. Or getting drunk at my sister’s house, singing (loudly and quite colorfully) off-key to Lady Gaga or Eminem. This is all the entertainment in my life...pretty pathetic. Where did I go wrong...how could one mistake 18 years ago completely and totally derailed my life....FOREVER. I guess the moral of the story is: Babies ruin lives. Don’t have any. At least not till you’ve found yourself, chased your dreams, sowed your wild oats and really just..LIVED. Then, maybe then, its not so bad. Too late for me, I'm stuck here in this awful place. Dreaming of what could've been.....
— C.S. Lewis (The Great Divorce)
My life just blows right about now. There is nothing good happening anywhere. Just a general nothingness that has blanketed my entire world. I want to run away from everyone in my life and start fresh somewhere new. Where no one knows my name or who I am. Or maybe just take a months-long sabbatical away from everything...drunk on some island with a ukelele in one hand and a bottle of raspberry Bacardi in the other...spouting off profound drunken musings to the little fishies who keep me company...then maybe I'd get what the point of it all is. The true meaning of life. Or maybe just why the fuck I'm here in the first place because truly, my life is just one big waste. I have contributed nothing, I have done nothing. I mean nothing. Im just a drone. No longer even human...just a robot doing robotic things, barely feeling anything anymore. All the things I want to do, required me starting them about a decade and a half ago. Instead I got stuck here, in some kind of purgatory. Having a child as a teenager pretty much canceled out the rest of my life. I'm a creative person, I need to create. I need to breathe on stage. How could I do that when I had responsibilities to feed, a child, a mortgage, bills. No room for me and my dreams. These days, the only amusement I get is by checking out the “special places” of the various business men I find myself standing/sitting next to on the train..and rating them {visions of naked men are always dancing in my head}. Or getting drunk at my sister’s house, singing (loudly and quite colorfully) off-key to Lady Gaga or Eminem. This is all the entertainment in my life...pretty pathetic. Where did I go wrong...how could one mistake 18 years ago completely and totally derailed my life....FOREVER. I guess the moral of the story is: Babies ruin lives. Don’t have any. At least not till you’ve found yourself, chased your dreams, sowed your wild oats and really just..LIVED. Then, maybe then, its not so bad. Too late for me, I'm stuck here in this awful place. Dreaming of what could've been.....
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