ramble, ramble...
Because I just haven’t rambled in a really long time...there’s really no point to this long-ass ramble, other than me just venting and sorting through the storms inside my heart.
As I mentioned in last blog, I always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman, having a mortgage on my own, raising a kid on my own, not having to answer to anyone. Now as I find myself in my middle 30’s, an increasingly lonely, overworked and underpaid, bitter woman, I’ve come to the realization that being a strong independent woman is not all its cracked up to be. A complete sham if you want my honest bitter opinion. Why as women do we strive so hard for that? What exactly is so great about it? Sure I come and go as I please with no thought or regard to anyone else....but the truth is, life is hard as hell and not having another person to fall back on, no one to catch me when I stumble, no one to share the trials and tribulations, well it just makes life’s little pill a whole lot harder to swallow. I'm also struggling big time in these crushing economic times...when my paycheck just doesn’t cover everything anymore.
I also thought I was strong. I used to think I was made out of steel. Now I see just how needy (ugh, the horror!) and fragile I truly am. I need someone to hold me and tell me its okay. I need a strong shoulder to lean on. I also need someone to tell me when I'm wrong because Lord knows I'm wrong quite often but since I don’t have anyone to point it out, I just continue on blindly in my wrongness. I don’t necessarily want a husband because I haven’t found that special person I will love that way. I don’t know what I want really. Just a man, I guess. Not another one of my silly mofos, but a real MAN. {the book I'm now reading says its really God I'm missing, but I don’t know if I quite agree with him just yet. After all, you cant exactly cuddle with God on a cold lonely night. NO you cant and stop trying to sell me that unicorn}
I thought I needed family. But then I realized they have always been my harshest critics, the ones who filled me with all these insecurities and self-doubts. They are a negative, mean-spirited and completely judgmental group, the whole lot of them. I could easily live the rest of my life without seeing them again. Sure I would maybe miss them once in a blue moon, but it would be a fleeting surface thing and I could live with that. Nothing a short quick phone call wouldn’t cure, that’s for damn sure. I hope to move across the country once my son is off on his own.
I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother whom I blame for everything that went wrong in my life because it can ALL and I mean ALL be traced back to her, like that game of 6 degrees of separation only with her its more like 2 or 3 degrees of separation. And that is all im going to say about Mommie Dearest. That and the fact that I feel motherless...orphaned. She’s a stranger to me and always has been.
I have anger towards my father too but that isn't as much of an issue (daddy complexes aside). He’s sick and has spent most of this year slowly dying. Its hard to be angry at someone in such a sad state. Maybe I forgave him a long time ago. These days, he just makes me sad. Especially when he barely remembers me.
I'm angry (and disgusted) with all the men I dated, particularly my son’s father for all the obvious reasons. He ran away from his responsibility. Not that he’s had it good in his own life. He’s been in and out of jail, cant get a job, still lives with momma, divorced twice. I would say he deserves far worse but I’ll keep my mouth shut, lest it come back to me. My life is quite sucky, don’t need anymore karma adding to the suckiness. I still hate him. And im not going to apologize for that. It is what it is. I hardly think of him but when I do, its usually not pretty.
Sometimes I even resent my son. I never felt that way before. When I look at him now, I only see what I gave up to be his mother, the ashes of my hopes and dreams. 18 miserable years have gone by and the only things I have to show for it are a job I hate, a condo that’s falling apart, lots of debt, and a black bitterness that has poisoned my soul. I guess my son is the only good thing I have done because he is a good kid, but the price I paid for that was steep...I wonder was it worth it. I guess when all is said and done, I will say YES, it was worth it. COMPLETELY. Right now I'm just angry at the world and he’s not exempt from that.
You know what else is overrated, having a good job, especially if you utterly despise that job. Its better to do something you love and can do with all your heart, even if the pay is not good. I wish I had thought of this years ago (where was my damn lifecoach when i needed one?!) Acting is my passion. I should’ve followed my heart but I had a kid to feed, a house I needed to get out of (thanks to dysfunctional parents) and bills to pay. My dreams had to be sacrificed. I didn’t notice how miserable I was at my job, till my paycheck just didn’t cut it anymore. So now im living paycheck to paycheck AND working a job I absolutely hate. ugh, is there anything worse? sometimes I want to quit and ctrl-alt-delete but with a kid to support and a mountain of debt, I'm chained here in this miserable place. Least for another couple of years.
I thought I needed religion. But religion turned out to be a mirage in the desert, one that left me emptier and worse off than before. The emptiness I now feel blankets my entire existence. This is what religion does. It strips you of everything but gives you nothing in return. I do believe in God, a Divine Force. I believe He’s out there..somewhere. only now I realize I do not know this GOD and never have. Someday, I’d like to know Him. I'm not ready right now because im still too angry over the whole religion thing (the years I’ve wasted in church). I recognize that I cannot stand before this true GOD in all my anger, hatred and bitterness. There is no room for that in His presence. So I’ve taken a sabbatical from God.
Things I do need in this life (and I may have already touched on this in a prior blog but im too lazy to verify so sorry if im repeating myself):
LOVE and BUCKETS of it..unfortunately, love begets love and since I'm currently in the negative in that dept, I don’t think I will be getting any love in return. I simply have none to give. ZERO. nada. zilch. Kinda like my bank account right now.
Good friends who understand and support me. I'm currently falling short in that dept too. I’ve outgrown the small group of people I used to call my friends. Look at my facebook list, its quite small and getting smaller by the day. I just don’t like anyone anymore. They’re all sooo small-minded. Did I shortchanged myself by surrounding myself with such small-minded people? I certainly think so. I now see you have to seek people who are going to enrich your life, help you to grow in your journey. I don’t think I have too many of those in my life, hence my stagnant rotten state. Personal growth is an individual journey but other people we meet in life also push us and help us in that growth. Wish I had understood this more clearly before. I would’ve been far more open throughout my life.
MUSIC that speaks to my soul (my faves right now are Lady Gaga..she understands; Eminem...soo deep and intense; Rihanna..cuz she’s cool like that...and a host of others).
Being around other creative types, like one of my sisters (the only family member I haven’t written off these days). She’s a writer and completely understands me. Also taking acting classes in NYC and being around other actors...learning from them.
Writing, sorting out my thoughts..
Good books that make me think and help me to grow (Wicked is still a top fave).
A strong shoulder to lean on and who will finally take the wheel out of my hands....someone else please do the driving for once in my life...
MONEY. Money does equate happiness in my life because it allows me to do the things I love (like traveling, Disney, shopping, dining out, classes, skydiving, etc.) Just living life and having experiences. All these things require money. So yes, my happiness can be bought.
And that’s my ramble...I guess I’ll shut up for a good while now.
As I mentioned in last blog, I always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman, having a mortgage on my own, raising a kid on my own, not having to answer to anyone. Now as I find myself in my middle 30’s, an increasingly lonely, overworked and underpaid, bitter woman, I’ve come to the realization that being a strong independent woman is not all its cracked up to be. A complete sham if you want my honest bitter opinion. Why as women do we strive so hard for that? What exactly is so great about it? Sure I come and go as I please with no thought or regard to anyone else....but the truth is, life is hard as hell and not having another person to fall back on, no one to catch me when I stumble, no one to share the trials and tribulations, well it just makes life’s little pill a whole lot harder to swallow. I'm also struggling big time in these crushing economic times...when my paycheck just doesn’t cover everything anymore.
I also thought I was strong. I used to think I was made out of steel. Now I see just how needy (ugh, the horror!) and fragile I truly am. I need someone to hold me and tell me its okay. I need a strong shoulder to lean on. I also need someone to tell me when I'm wrong because Lord knows I'm wrong quite often but since I don’t have anyone to point it out, I just continue on blindly in my wrongness. I don’t necessarily want a husband because I haven’t found that special person I will love that way. I don’t know what I want really. Just a man, I guess. Not another one of my silly mofos, but a real MAN. {the book I'm now reading says its really God I'm missing, but I don’t know if I quite agree with him just yet. After all, you cant exactly cuddle with God on a cold lonely night. NO you cant and stop trying to sell me that unicorn}
I thought I needed family. But then I realized they have always been my harshest critics, the ones who filled me with all these insecurities and self-doubts. They are a negative, mean-spirited and completely judgmental group, the whole lot of them. I could easily live the rest of my life without seeing them again. Sure I would maybe miss them once in a blue moon, but it would be a fleeting surface thing and I could live with that. Nothing a short quick phone call wouldn’t cure, that’s for damn sure. I hope to move across the country once my son is off on his own.
I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother whom I blame for everything that went wrong in my life because it can ALL and I mean ALL be traced back to her, like that game of 6 degrees of separation only with her its more like 2 or 3 degrees of separation. And that is all im going to say about Mommie Dearest. That and the fact that I feel motherless...orphaned. She’s a stranger to me and always has been.
I have anger towards my father too but that isn't as much of an issue (daddy complexes aside). He’s sick and has spent most of this year slowly dying. Its hard to be angry at someone in such a sad state. Maybe I forgave him a long time ago. These days, he just makes me sad. Especially when he barely remembers me.
I'm angry (and disgusted) with all the men I dated, particularly my son’s father for all the obvious reasons. He ran away from his responsibility. Not that he’s had it good in his own life. He’s been in and out of jail, cant get a job, still lives with momma, divorced twice. I would say he deserves far worse but I’ll keep my mouth shut, lest it come back to me. My life is quite sucky, don’t need anymore karma adding to the suckiness. I still hate him. And im not going to apologize for that. It is what it is. I hardly think of him but when I do, its usually not pretty.
Sometimes I even resent my son. I never felt that way before. When I look at him now, I only see what I gave up to be his mother, the ashes of my hopes and dreams. 18 miserable years have gone by and the only things I have to show for it are a job I hate, a condo that’s falling apart, lots of debt, and a black bitterness that has poisoned my soul. I guess my son is the only good thing I have done because he is a good kid, but the price I paid for that was steep...I wonder was it worth it. I guess when all is said and done, I will say YES, it was worth it. COMPLETELY. Right now I'm just angry at the world and he’s not exempt from that.
You know what else is overrated, having a good job, especially if you utterly despise that job. Its better to do something you love and can do with all your heart, even if the pay is not good. I wish I had thought of this years ago (where was my damn lifecoach when i needed one?!) Acting is my passion. I should’ve followed my heart but I had a kid to feed, a house I needed to get out of (thanks to dysfunctional parents) and bills to pay. My dreams had to be sacrificed. I didn’t notice how miserable I was at my job, till my paycheck just didn’t cut it anymore. So now im living paycheck to paycheck AND working a job I absolutely hate. ugh, is there anything worse? sometimes I want to quit and ctrl-alt-delete but with a kid to support and a mountain of debt, I'm chained here in this miserable place. Least for another couple of years.
I thought I needed religion. But religion turned out to be a mirage in the desert, one that left me emptier and worse off than before. The emptiness I now feel blankets my entire existence. This is what religion does. It strips you of everything but gives you nothing in return. I do believe in God, a Divine Force. I believe He’s out there..somewhere. only now I realize I do not know this GOD and never have. Someday, I’d like to know Him. I'm not ready right now because im still too angry over the whole religion thing (the years I’ve wasted in church). I recognize that I cannot stand before this true GOD in all my anger, hatred and bitterness. There is no room for that in His presence. So I’ve taken a sabbatical from God.
Things I do need in this life (and I may have already touched on this in a prior blog but im too lazy to verify so sorry if im repeating myself):
LOVE and BUCKETS of it..unfortunately, love begets love and since I'm currently in the negative in that dept, I don’t think I will be getting any love in return. I simply have none to give. ZERO. nada. zilch. Kinda like my bank account right now.
Good friends who understand and support me. I'm currently falling short in that dept too. I’ve outgrown the small group of people I used to call my friends. Look at my facebook list, its quite small and getting smaller by the day. I just don’t like anyone anymore. They’re all sooo small-minded. Did I shortchanged myself by surrounding myself with such small-minded people? I certainly think so. I now see you have to seek people who are going to enrich your life, help you to grow in your journey. I don’t think I have too many of those in my life, hence my stagnant rotten state. Personal growth is an individual journey but other people we meet in life also push us and help us in that growth. Wish I had understood this more clearly before. I would’ve been far more open throughout my life.
MUSIC that speaks to my soul (my faves right now are Lady Gaga..she understands; Eminem...soo deep and intense; Rihanna..cuz she’s cool like that...and a host of others).
Being around other creative types, like one of my sisters (the only family member I haven’t written off these days). She’s a writer and completely understands me. Also taking acting classes in NYC and being around other actors...learning from them.
Writing, sorting out my thoughts..
Good books that make me think and help me to grow (Wicked is still a top fave).
A strong shoulder to lean on and who will finally take the wheel out of my hands....someone else please do the driving for once in my life...
MONEY. Money does equate happiness in my life because it allows me to do the things I love (like traveling, Disney, shopping, dining out, classes, skydiving, etc.) Just living life and having experiences. All these things require money. So yes, my happiness can be bought.
And that’s my ramble...I guess I’ll shut up for a good while now.
You crack me up huli. I agree with you when you say that you can’t cuddle with God Like that, lol. We do in fact need other people. The gospel is relational and the law is all relational as well. That means that Christianity has to do with relationships, first with God and then with people. Sometimes we need people! We need friends, we need family and under the right context, we need a lover. I think it is recognizing the difference between physical/ emotional needs and spiritual/ soul needs and which you need for each type of need.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts about family is that they are the only ones that care about to tell it to you like it is. The problem comes when they don’t know how to love and encourage. You miss that part and you miss the point to a “loving” family. I totally feel you on that.
As for the job situation, I totally feel you on this. My advice as soon as it is possible, chase your dreams! Don’t abandon the responsibility but try your best to chase the dream!
Religion… my arch nemesis! Lol the belief that a set of rules, good behavior as set tradition as opposed to the bible, and regular attendance is sufficient to earn you heaven! Sorry, religion and I have a life long feud. Anyway, I don’t think the answer lies in a sabbatical from God. I think that you as I have been force fed the idea that God is this terrible tyrant that wants nothing but to judge you, hurt you, and ruin your fun. Now don’t get me wrong, he will judge us all but for now He is eager to share his love and grace. Unfortunately the Church doesn’t do a good job of showing this love and grace. I have heard case after case of people that are running from the church and what hurts the most is the fact that if this were in new testament times, those people were the ones that Jesus looked to with compassion, comforted with Grace, and with whom He shared new purpose and life!
Friends… oh dear, that is a department that has been a life-long struggle for me. To this day I struggle with that idea, but I’m sure God has to have some purpose for it in my life. I DID notice that your friends list was smaller, thanks for keeping me :) or maybe you just forgot to erase me, lol. I agree with you about the life enriching people… my problem with that idea is the belief that there are VERY few people out there that are actually like that! As for understanding and support, if you need a friend just give me a call. I definitely know what it’s like to lack good, encouraging true friends. I know its kind of weird because we live cross-country and all but I’ll leave the offer on the table anyway.
I must recommend all of Donald Millers books, Blue like jazz for ideas on spirituality and A Million Miles for “life change.” Also a great read, on proper biblical theology is “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan which is what I’m reading right now. Chan is a pastor in semi Valley, CA and his book is abllabout living a life for Christ the way the bible intended it. It’s pretty hard core!
and as for money... shoot, when you find out how to get it, let me know cause I need some too, lol.
Okay, I have written WAY too much… I hope things improve for you buddy, hang in there!