me myself and I
"Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it." — Gregory Maguire
I am a product of my environment. Born into poverty and the ghetto. Allowed to drop out at 15. Pregnant at 17. Never encouraged or guided in any real sort of way. the only thing my mother ever told me was to “go to church”. Not to have a relationship with God, mind you. Just go to church as if church attendance is what gets you into heaven. My dad only told me “don’t have any daughters”. This all the advice/wisdom those two kooks ever imparted to me. no wonder I went so astray. I always felt like I gave birth to myself. I raised myself. all my parents ever did was the most minimal they had to do, which is provide shelter/clothing and food. nothing more, nothing less. no affection, no love, no hugs and cuddles, no guidance, encouragement. how was I supposed to know the right steps to take, the right path to walk. I was never pointed in any real kind of direction. I made some major mistakes along the way, but no one ever really taught me better. I had to graduate from the school of hard knocks. God, how different my life would have been if only someone had cared enough to reach out to me and show me the way. Instead blindly I stumbled along, falling down ravines and cliffs, putting myself back together. I forced myself to go back to school and get my GED. I forced myself to enroll in business school and get a secretarial certificate so that I could get off welfare and earn my keep. I forced myself to keep climbing the corporate ladder, starting off at the bottom of the shit barrel and working myself up to top exec. assistant (or top bullshitter). I forced myself to kick the losers out of my life. I forced myself to get my own place. what has anyone done for me? who has my back? NO ONE. so if im selfish, then so be it. I have to be selfish in order to survive. If I don’t look out for number 1, no one else sure as hell will. No one else ever did.
I am a product of my environment. Born into poverty and the ghetto. Allowed to drop out at 15. Pregnant at 17. Never encouraged or guided in any real sort of way. the only thing my mother ever told me was to “go to church”. Not to have a relationship with God, mind you. Just go to church as if church attendance is what gets you into heaven. My dad only told me “don’t have any daughters”. This all the advice/wisdom those two kooks ever imparted to me. no wonder I went so astray. I always felt like I gave birth to myself. I raised myself. all my parents ever did was the most minimal they had to do, which is provide shelter/clothing and food. nothing more, nothing less. no affection, no love, no hugs and cuddles, no guidance, encouragement. how was I supposed to know the right steps to take, the right path to walk. I was never pointed in any real kind of direction. I made some major mistakes along the way, but no one ever really taught me better. I had to graduate from the school of hard knocks. God, how different my life would have been if only someone had cared enough to reach out to me and show me the way. Instead blindly I stumbled along, falling down ravines and cliffs, putting myself back together. I forced myself to go back to school and get my GED. I forced myself to enroll in business school and get a secretarial certificate so that I could get off welfare and earn my keep. I forced myself to keep climbing the corporate ladder, starting off at the bottom of the shit barrel and working myself up to top exec. assistant (or top bullshitter). I forced myself to kick the losers out of my life. I forced myself to get my own place. what has anyone done for me? who has my back? NO ONE. so if im selfish, then so be it. I have to be selfish in order to survive. If I don’t look out for number 1, no one else sure as hell will. No one else ever did.
As always, I feel you on this huli. “a rose that grows from the cracks in the concrete,” as Mr. Shakur would say. I believe you when you say that we were dealt a bad hand but I would disagree with the idea that we have to stay where we are. You have made it this far, buddy, don’t stop now! You have raised a kid on your own, risen in ranks alone, gotten your education on your own! Now improve your life by your own will. Make it happen. Write that new chapter. Your story isn’t finished! In fact, hand that pen over to God and He will write something better than you could ever dream! You really need to read “A Million Miles” buddy, it’s just waiting for you! :)
ReplyDeleteoooh i like that...a rose that grows from the cracks in the concrete..someone once told me they saw a reflection of me in a single red rose they saw growing among weeds/thorns...so its somewhat similar. that was perhaps the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me and its always stuck with me. of course, that person was probably lying but i digress. i know my story isnt over, but im not really sure what to do from this point on....i just keep trying to pursue the things that interest me and hopefully they will lead me somewhere. financial burdens keep me tied to this place however.
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