End of an Era
It seems like alot of things are changing all at once. Its beginning to feel like the end of an era. I feel as though I’m losing a lot of people who mean a lot to me. This is particularly difficult to accept when I already feel that I’ve already lost too much, especially those who have meant the most to me.
For starters, there is the issue of my dad. He has been in a nursing home since last fall. He has Alzheimer’s/dementia and had his leg amputated last year. I cannot put into words what its like to witness the transformation from strong, resilient (albeit quite kooky) daddy into a weak, fragile old man with one leg who only speaks gibberish and barely recognizes me. It happened rather sudden, over the course of a year and a half. At this point, dealing with him is very much like dealing with a toddler. His understanding/comprehension skills are very, very limited. It is incredibly heartbreaking to watch someone lose themselves in this manner, bit by bit...piece by piece. I know that once he is gone, I will probably mourn him the rest of my life. My daddy...how I wish I had told you that in spite of your shortcomings and the mistakes you made, I still loved you and I know you did the best you could with what little you had. Now its too late to tell you what you can no longer comprehend. Best I can do now is just to keep showing up (I try to visit him once a week). I am still a somewhat familiar face to him. I hope it provides some measure of comfort to him. The song that bests represents what I feel is Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt”. I.cant.even. I collapse into a sobbing fit whenever I hear that song.
In addition to that, my son who is turning 19 this year, is heading off to college this fall. He has decided to move to Florida (with my sister) and attend community college there. As much as I’ve waited for the day my life would be my own again, now that it is here, I’m not as relieved and excited as I thought I’d be. Visions of a little boy playing with dinosaurs (he loved Jurassic Park and had dinosaurs everywhere) and his action figures (Dragon Ball Z was a perennial favorite and he still has some of those kicking around) dance in my head. My little boy grew up and I was too young/immature to really enjoy it. Once he leaves, I will be all alone. That thought was once exciting, but now that it is almost here, I find it makes me weepy and nostalgic. It started to hit me a few weeks ago when I dropped him off at prom. I drove him (and friends) there and as I drove back, they played this song from the 80’s which always makes me weepy and nostalgic anyways (“Africa” by Toto). Forget it, I was a mess. Empty nest syndrome perhaps. Most people have at least their spouse to keep them company once the kids grow up and go off to college. Me, I’ll just have the damn cat (whom I hate and stays alive only to spite me) to keep me company.
Also heading off to my college is my oldest niece. Her and my son grew up more like brother and sister. She always joined my son and I on our Disney trips and the 3 of us have always been close. I am just not ready to process that these 2 little ones are all grown up already and heading off to college. I am only in my mid-30s myself.
To add to all that, my best friend for the past 11 years and probably one of the greatest friends I have ever had and will ever have, is moving away in 2 weeks to Michigan. No more food tours in NYC, no more fun day trips, no more telling me like it is (she kept it real and always told me the hard truth without making me feel like shit-a very rare skill indeed). Who knows when I’ll see her again. Yes we will make big promises of keeping in touch and meeting up in Chicago a few times a year, but in reality, life moves far too fast and flights are not cheap and blah, blah, blah. It may be awhile before we see each other.
I guess I am just heading into mid-life and these are the bittersweet changes that come along with it. I just didn’t think I would be dealing with these things so young. Still in my 30’s and dealing with a kid going off to college and a parent in a nursing home. Isnt that supposed to happen in your late 40’s? I stand here, unsure which step to take next, what I want to do now that this chapter is coming to an end. For now, I guess I will spend the summer being weepy and nostalgic and hopefully will be ready to take on new chapters in the fall.
Song of the moment: Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida”
”but that was when I ruled the world”
For starters, there is the issue of my dad. He has been in a nursing home since last fall. He has Alzheimer’s/dementia and had his leg amputated last year. I cannot put into words what its like to witness the transformation from strong, resilient (albeit quite kooky) daddy into a weak, fragile old man with one leg who only speaks gibberish and barely recognizes me. It happened rather sudden, over the course of a year and a half. At this point, dealing with him is very much like dealing with a toddler. His understanding/comprehension skills are very, very limited. It is incredibly heartbreaking to watch someone lose themselves in this manner, bit by bit...piece by piece. I know that once he is gone, I will probably mourn him the rest of my life. My daddy...how I wish I had told you that in spite of your shortcomings and the mistakes you made, I still loved you and I know you did the best you could with what little you had. Now its too late to tell you what you can no longer comprehend. Best I can do now is just to keep showing up (I try to visit him once a week). I am still a somewhat familiar face to him. I hope it provides some measure of comfort to him. The song that bests represents what I feel is Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt”. I.cant.even. I collapse into a sobbing fit whenever I hear that song.
In addition to that, my son who is turning 19 this year, is heading off to college this fall. He has decided to move to Florida (with my sister) and attend community college there. As much as I’ve waited for the day my life would be my own again, now that it is here, I’m not as relieved and excited as I thought I’d be. Visions of a little boy playing with dinosaurs (he loved Jurassic Park and had dinosaurs everywhere) and his action figures (Dragon Ball Z was a perennial favorite and he still has some of those kicking around) dance in my head. My little boy grew up and I was too young/immature to really enjoy it. Once he leaves, I will be all alone. That thought was once exciting, but now that it is almost here, I find it makes me weepy and nostalgic. It started to hit me a few weeks ago when I dropped him off at prom. I drove him (and friends) there and as I drove back, they played this song from the 80’s which always makes me weepy and nostalgic anyways (“Africa” by Toto). Forget it, I was a mess. Empty nest syndrome perhaps. Most people have at least their spouse to keep them company once the kids grow up and go off to college. Me, I’ll just have the damn cat (whom I hate and stays alive only to spite me) to keep me company.
Also heading off to my college is my oldest niece. Her and my son grew up more like brother and sister. She always joined my son and I on our Disney trips and the 3 of us have always been close. I am just not ready to process that these 2 little ones are all grown up already and heading off to college. I am only in my mid-30s myself.
To add to all that, my best friend for the past 11 years and probably one of the greatest friends I have ever had and will ever have, is moving away in 2 weeks to Michigan. No more food tours in NYC, no more fun day trips, no more telling me like it is (she kept it real and always told me the hard truth without making me feel like shit-a very rare skill indeed). Who knows when I’ll see her again. Yes we will make big promises of keeping in touch and meeting up in Chicago a few times a year, but in reality, life moves far too fast and flights are not cheap and blah, blah, blah. It may be awhile before we see each other.
I guess I am just heading into mid-life and these are the bittersweet changes that come along with it. I just didn’t think I would be dealing with these things so young. Still in my 30’s and dealing with a kid going off to college and a parent in a nursing home. Isnt that supposed to happen in your late 40’s? I stand here, unsure which step to take next, what I want to do now that this chapter is coming to an end. For now, I guess I will spend the summer being weepy and nostalgic and hopefully will be ready to take on new chapters in the fall.
Song of the moment: Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida”
”but that was when I ruled the world”
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