blocked....

Had an opportunity to work as an extra last week on Law & Order SVU.  Here’s hoping I actually make it onscreen this time, and if I do, I will post the link here.  As much fun as I had that day working on the set, there was one major depressing black mark on an otherwise fun, cool and exciting time.  And that is that no matter what I do, or what the circumstances are, I NEVER EVER seem to get the guy. 

Okay, so there was this very nice-looking man (clean-cut, wholesome, hot/nerdy) whom I befriended in one particular scene (I worked on 3 different scenes).  In this scene, I, along with a few others, were required to be half-dressed.  We shot this scene in the early morning hours, OUTSIDE and the temps had dropped to the 20’s.  It was FREEZING.  We were allowed our coats/jackets in between takes but I was wearing a very light jacket and it didn’t do much to keep me warm in between takes.  So this guy was nice enough to keep me warm in between scenes.  He was wearing a jacket and we huddled/hugged for body heat.  We also chatted/joked around and although there were other women around us wearing even less than I was, he chose to keep me warm.  I did NOT go to him, he came to me and offered.  I was totally into him too because he was cute, kinda nerdy/dorky (which I love) and really nice.  I figured at the end of the night, we would at least exchange information.  In the next scene, I didn’t have to go out till much later and by the time I did, he was somewhere else, chatting with another woman who was working next to him.  I figured whatever, he’ll still say goodbye to me after we were all hugged up on each other for so long.  so at end of night, I am sitting there chatting with some other folks I met and the line to sign out passed right by me, which meant he had to pass by me when he signed out.  Well mofo did not even glance my way to say goodbye or acknowledge me in any way.  He was too busy chatting with the other chick and they left together.  I might also note here that she was less attractive than me, and bigger-boned (?).  Ummm…ok….so was it the fact that she was younger than me, was it the lighter hair (note to self, dye hair a shade lighter) or was it the taller, big-boned frame that did it?? Im short and thin.  Personality?  well i dont know what her personality was like but she did have quite the bitchface on her for most of the night and rarely spoke to anyone else.  I don’t get it.  like at all.  I was chatting and joking around with everyone.  And also, why do I bust my ass working out and eating right if im going to get passed over a less attractive chick EVERY SINGLE TIME.  even when i have a connection with a guy, I still cant land him!  I mean even as a FRIEND DAMMIT! I was soooo bummed out by that ….i’ve just been moping all weekend over it.  Like really depressed about it because in the meantime, I still have the 2 mofos who have been circling me since the beginning of the year, STILL CIRCLING me.  Meanwhile a nice guy wont give me the time of day.  i wish I knew WHO OR WHAT is COCKBLOCKING me............................................................................................................................

....................................................................................................................................

 Or is the truth that all this time Ive been thinking im worthy of a decent man, when the truth might actually be that im worthy of a mofo. that decent men are way out of my league, and that I really do deserve a motherfucking asshole loser who will treat me like shit.  Im starting to believe that.  God, how low I’ve sunk.  FUCK THE WORLD.  FUCK MY LIFE.  Just once, I’d like to catch a break.  JUST ONCE IN MY MOTHER EFFIN LIFE.