it all adds up..

I think I need to add The One Who Got Away to my singular heartache.  After all, every now and then I still shed a tear for him.  Never mind that we never dated.  There is no use trying to make me see the logic of that because my heart refuses to accept it.  I [quietly] loved him for 2 years so somehow that amounts to a full relationshiip in my heart (we went to same church together so I guess praying together equaled dating…?).  No that doesn’t make me crazy, not one bit.  I suspect he also had feelings for me although I will never know for sure.  He married someone else out of spite pity loneliness.  And then somewhere along the way, he actually fell for her.  He seems pretty content.  If I wasn’t such a bitter bitch, I’d be happy for him.  Unfortunately sugar and spice is NOT what im made of, more like vitriol and venom.  So fuck him and the ugly troll horse he rode off on.  Apparently he didn’t get the memo about not marrying your shamefuck.  But  really im over it now.  Totally.  I don’t think I’ve cried for him at all this year.  And aside from watching vanilla sky the other day, I hadn’t cried for the one who died in YEARS (I cannot come up with a code name for him-it doesn’t seem right…and frankly there is no need for I have nothing to say about it after all this time- he died-end of story).  And its not him really that I cried for, it was remembering those emotions and that time in my life.  and I don’t cry for the BEAST like EVER.  Not since the year it went down which was like 3 years ago. FUCK HIM and his beastliness.   If I saw him again, I’d spit on him.  My point is, its not these 3 men that I still mourn…its the scars they left behind that still bleed.  I don’t know why.  That’s just how women are designed. Always bleeding in some form or another.  We bleed when we reach sexual maturity, we bleed the first time we have sex, we bleed every month to prepare for conception, we bleed when we give birth…blood (and PAIN) mark every MAJOR event in our lives (and men wonder why we’re always so fucking moody?!)…so why not a perpetual emotional hemorraging as well.  But getting back to the One Who Got Away......the reason I still feel feelings (so many feelings but I’M OVER IT OKAY!!!) about him is because out of all the men I’ve dated, he is the ONLY one I could see myself marrying.*  I really REALLY thought he was the one.  I never thought that about any of the others, not even the one who died because as much as I was crazy about him, I knew we werent meant to be.  And I definitely knew the Beast  was all kinds of WRONG for me (that didn’t stop me from repeatedly going back to him……..for almost 2 years-ugh…talk about shamefucking…although as far as shamefucking goes, that was the BEST-if you’re gonna do something bad, go really balls out BAD)…and the rest were completely irrelevant so they don’t even make the cut.  

*Of course you could argue, and I have because I love debating myself, that the reason I saw him as the only one I could marry was because he was the only one I didn’t actually DATE.  “good point you.  oh shut up you.”  I really need to stop being inside my own head so much don’t I.  “I don’t feel anything, I feel everything, I feel nothing, I feel ALL the feelings…”  take a happy pill with some happy juice and shut the fuckup already.