Im Still Here....Are You?

 Is this thing on?  Does anyone still blog anymore?  or are we strictly social-media whores these days.   I could try YouTube, but I prefer writing to speaking.   I miss blogging, I miss working things out by expressing them through the written word.  Last I wrote here was 2016.  So much has changed since then, and yet...so much remains the same.  Like the old saying goes, "some things never change".  Alas, parts of my life just do not seem to evolve, though I've invested much time, energy, money and magick (yes that ole kind of magick) and still I cannot change the energy.  So what am I doing here after all this time.  Im going through a very difficult and challenging time and need an outlet to express my rage, sadness, frustration, melancholy, etc.  All these emotions that are just sitting inside of me, blocking channels of energy.  Im hoping to let out some stagnant energy in the hope that by releasing it here, I will perhaps move this mountain.  But where to begin.  

When last I left you, I was still working at my last job, a mining company of all fucking places, and still living in an apartment building.  The mining company turned out to be the best job I've had as far as administrative assistant positions go (I mean, not much fun in that category as a whole).  It opened up doors for me financially and allowed me to live a somewhat carefree life, for the time it lasted.  In 2019, they made a decision to merge with another company, and thus ended our happy carefree days (I was there about 8 years).  We were given the choice to stay with the company and move somewhere out to Ohio (I wont name the city here as I dont want to offend anyone but we took a visit out there and lets just say BLEAK doesnt even begin to describe it) OR take a severance payout and leave.  So we all left.  All of us.  About 100 employees.  a big payout and also a very bad business decision on their part.  Im really not supposed to talk about it so I wont name the company but fuck them.  They ruined our good thing.  I was then forced to go back working at a law firm doing the exact thing I was doing before mining company, the very thing I swore I wouldnt go back to.  And that's where I've been for 2 years now. Not my favorite job but it pays the bills.  During the mining job days, I managed to buy a house, though not in the very best of areas.  I lived there for 2 years before things starting to get a little too wild and noisy for me, so I moved last summer in the midst of this pandemic.  I now live near a forest with chickens next door.  So that's one good thing.  I do work from home while this pandemic continues and that's another good thing.  Thats it on that end.  

As for what has me vexed these days...well what else could it be.  If not a motherfucker.  Why does that remain the one area of my life I just cant get right.  So during the mining company days, I met someone who I really, sincerely thought would be the one I married.  I thought he was it and that was that.  It wasnt a love at first type of thing, least not for me, and maybe I'll blog more in detail about our relationship at some point,  but for now just the basics.  We were friendly for a year, then shortly after I bought my first house, I invited him over for what I thought was just a friendly drink, and one thing led to another and we ended up together for the past 3 years.  We finally crashed and burned about 4.5 months ago and my life has not been the same.  Without going into too much detail at this time (but I will, trust me I will), our relationship was somewhat toxic, as he was a chronic liar, possible cheater, manipulative, petty, spiteful, emotionally immature and used the silent treatment as a way to punish every single infraction.  Can I just say how much I despise the silent treatment.  It is truly one of the most repulsive, repugnant behaviours I've come across in a grown ass person.  After dealing with his mess for 3 years, I realized he was not going to change, and that I was wasting my time and I'd be better off cutting my losses, and moving the fuck on.  Except.....except that...well no one really tells you what its like after you walk away.  Yea, they'll encourage you to walk away, cheer you on when you do, but no one tells you what its like AFTER.  Like how at almost 5 months of being broken up, I STILL miss his lying petty spiteful ass EVERY single second of EVERY single day.  How all the joy and happiness, all the light has gone out of me.  How every moment just hurts.  Just breathing hurts.  I hate everything without him here.  This has surprised me because I was under the impression that when you walk away from a toxic messy relationship, you actually start to feel better as time goes on.  Not WORSE.  much worse. Maybe for a few weeks but we're going on 5 months.  Surely by now, there'd be some light at the end of the tunnel kind of thing, right?   "walk away from that which no longer serves you"  "you deserve better"  "it'll be best thing you did"  really??  why doesnt it feel like it yet.  

And you know when you're walking around all day with a dark cloud of negativity over you, you just invite more of that energy into your life.  And so, there's almost no area of my life that has not been affected by this.  It has spilled its ugly fumes into everything.  Despite my best efforts to move on and HEAL.  I've done yoga, meditation, journaling, dancing, sound healing, reiki, crystals, worked with life coach and spiritual mentors, read self-help and self-care books, really just the whole arsenal of tools I can find.  I've cried out to the Universe, the Divine, the angels, Arch Angels, spirit guides, ancestors, the fucking trees outside, the forest, even Jesus Christ Himself.  I've done past life healing, gone back to my childhood and tried to heal some core inner wounds.  I havent just sat here moping, crying and feeling sorry for myself (though there's been plenty of that too).  I've never worked so hard to overcome a broken heart and the more I work to heal it, the more broken I become.  Sooo what now then.  I dont even know what to call this anymore.  Every one of my cells is marked by him.  How do you even begin to get over that.  

And so this is why Im back.  Because Im hoping that by expressing everything I cant say to anyone else, by leaving it here, maybe just maybe it will begin to leave... me.  

More to come.  

p.s. a funny or not so funny sidenote on this, this motherfucker who we shall henceforth name Pinocchio, well because all the guys had nicknames and this one, I actually used it to his face whenever he came at me with some TALL story or another.  Anyways Pinocchio actually thinks I've moved on and that Im quite happy these days.  I'll NEVER let him see how destroyed I actually am and I can front with the best of them (remember my acting background).  He thinks I've done quite well since our breakup but the reality is so far removed from that.  just reminder that all is not always what it seems.