Finding Myself

The key is acting. It helps me discover who I am. Yesterday I had another opportunity to work as an extra on a movie filming in NYC. I live in Connecticut so I usually take the train. I had a very early morning call-time which meant I had to take the last train at midnight Saturday and spend the early morning hours of Sunday milling about NYC. With no money for a hotel, my options were quite limited. I chose to spend the night at the Union Square subway station, where there seem to be a steady stream of young, mostly intoxicated, revelers all night. It ended up being pretty uneventful, which was a good thing. Made it to set bright and early, ready to work. You would never know I had spent the night sitting on a bench at a subway station, eyes wide open. That’s the thing about working in a creative environment. I find that it injects me with a different kind of energy, makes me come alive (a stark contrast to my regular job in the corporate world, which sucks the life/energy/light out of me.) Yes it is long hours, menial pay, and most of the time after all the hard work, there is no guarantee of making it to the final cut of the movie/tv show. Even so, after all is said and done, it is always, ALWAYS worth it. For the simple reason that it helps me to find myself. It restores my identity, my sense of self and the real me begins to emerge. Something I have needed very much lately, when I have felt more alone and lost than ever. Acting helps me to discover things within myself I did not know existed. It forces me to take on new challenges and do things I did not think I could do. Finding out that I am extremely resourceful, especially under pressure. Or that I am a beacon of light in a place of darkness and that people are drawn to my light. On my way to the set, I ran into a blind man who also was going to the set. I helped him along and stayed with him throughout the day, helping him. He told me that I emitted a familiar (comforting) presence. I must send out something because throughout the day, people kept coming up to me, asking me for help, directions, questions. I have discovered this hidden gift before, back when I was in the loony bin years ago. In that place of darkness, all of the other patients were drawn to me, clinging to me like a drowning person clings to a person with a life jacket. Maybe that is my calling in life, to draw others to light. Its weird though because I struggle so much internally with darkness. When I have wrestled it all down, the only thing I emit is light. And the light only comes out when I am completely out of my comfort zone...when im under the gun or thrown to the wolves. That is when I COME ALIVE AND SOAR, spraying light in every direction, so much so that even a blind man was able to feel it. Interesting phenomena. Acting then is not the destination but more the vessel guiding me towards my destiny. Through it, I am fulfilling my purpose. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but myself.
Today, though I am beyond exhausted, I feel more fulfilled and WHOLE than I have in a long time.