Shadow of a Life.
[note: When I started this new blog, my intention was to write better blogs, not just to whine/bitch/vent. However 2010, and now 2011, have not been good years for me. In fact, they have been exceedingly difficult years. I cant write happy uplifting blogs if my life is not currently reflecting that. So please pardon my angst, I am consumed by it and if I don’t let it out here, I think I will explode. Someday I hope to write of happier things.]
“She dreamed of leaving, but she had too little exposure to the world to imagine where to go.”
I hate what I do with a passion. I hate that I waste most of the day doing bullshit when I could be doing something worthwhile. I hate going home to an empty house. I hate working just to pay bills. I hate that I don’t get to do what I really want. That all I do is merely SURVIVE. In my 30-something years on this mofo earth, all I have done is simply survive. Day after day, year after year. I do not feel at any time that I have ever truly LIVED, I was not born with opportunities or privileges. I was not born to parents who knew how to parent and raise productive children. Almost everything I learned, I learned the hard way and as a result, I am quite battle-scarred and weary. Good moments, the kind that make life worth living, are few and very far between. I used to think my last job was the problem, and while it was a HUGE problem-lets not trivialize that, it wasn’t the ONLY problem. Once you stripped away the miserable job, I found myself still quite unhappy because the problem wasn’t the job, the problem is MY LIFE. Everything is wrong with it from top to bottom, start to finish. I started life off on the wrong foot and somehow, despite my best efforts, I have not been able to correct it. I am deeply, deeply unhappy. For far too long now. This isn’t the way life is meant to be lived. As a young girl I dreamed big dreams, to reach the stars. Having a child while still a teenager set fire to those dreams. I live among the ashes of those dreams. How was I to know then that it would cost me everything I ever wanted. And stick me here in this awful place, a purgatorial maze of sorts. Where I just keep coming up against the same fucking obstacles, the same walls because they all look the same and I’m NEVER going to be able to escape this bloody fucking maze. I hunger and ache for something I cannot put into words and it is consuming me completely. I long to be free. There’s just gotta be a better way than this. I just...cannot...see.it.
“She dreamed of leaving, but she had too little exposure to the world to imagine where to go.”
I hate what I do with a passion. I hate that I waste most of the day doing bullshit when I could be doing something worthwhile. I hate going home to an empty house. I hate working just to pay bills. I hate that I don’t get to do what I really want. That all I do is merely SURVIVE. In my 30-something years on this mofo earth, all I have done is simply survive. Day after day, year after year. I do not feel at any time that I have ever truly LIVED, I was not born with opportunities or privileges. I was not born to parents who knew how to parent and raise productive children. Almost everything I learned, I learned the hard way and as a result, I am quite battle-scarred and weary. Good moments, the kind that make life worth living, are few and very far between. I used to think my last job was the problem, and while it was a HUGE problem-lets not trivialize that, it wasn’t the ONLY problem. Once you stripped away the miserable job, I found myself still quite unhappy because the problem wasn’t the job, the problem is MY LIFE. Everything is wrong with it from top to bottom, start to finish. I started life off on the wrong foot and somehow, despite my best efforts, I have not been able to correct it. I am deeply, deeply unhappy. For far too long now. This isn’t the way life is meant to be lived. As a young girl I dreamed big dreams, to reach the stars. Having a child while still a teenager set fire to those dreams. I live among the ashes of those dreams. How was I to know then that it would cost me everything I ever wanted. And stick me here in this awful place, a purgatorial maze of sorts. Where I just keep coming up against the same fucking obstacles, the same walls because they all look the same and I’m NEVER going to be able to escape this bloody fucking maze. I hunger and ache for something I cannot put into words and it is consuming me completely. I long to be free. There’s just gotta be a better way than this. I just...cannot...see.it.
The frustration you are feeling here, I also feel at times. If I focus too much on it it will consume me. Lately what I ave been trying to do is mix things up; Make some intentional moves to make my life all that I dreamed. I am not there yet. I still have a very far way to go. set some clear goals and Make some moves in your life in the direction that you want to go. It may take time but eventually you will get there. So set the goals and begin with the end in mind!!
ReplyDeletei've done that...im just so frustrated at this time in my life...and choking on it. i will continue to make goals...nothing else to do.
ReplyDelete