Horoscope Wasnt Lying

It said I would have a bad first week of July, and it wasn’t kidding.  Murphy’s law has been in effect all week.  Spent 4^th of july ALONE like the loser unique soul I am.  Was not invited to family picnic at a cousin’s house on account of they’re all jealous haters I’m a mean bitch. So I had planned to go to my condo and clear out the remaining cat stuff and then go to movies (im not ashamed to admit- I am dying to see Disney’s Brave, dontcare).  As I was throwing the bags into our dumpster, I accidentally dropped my keys in along with it.  talk about a total FML moment.  My apartment, condo, and car keys are on there (no spares either), so basically I was caught the fuck out!  Cat’s final FCKUBITCH!, I suppose.  I contacted HORNY Mover Mofo for help since he was the maintenance guy on call yesterday, so technically that is part of his job.  Well his “help” consisted of telling me to go in nearby woods and look for a branch.  REALLY MOFO?!  Because he lives about a 30 minute car drive away, he was unwilling to come help me get my keys.  Funny how he wouldn’t mind the ride when he is looking for something else, more on that later!  I was in total panic mode, on the verge of tears, because even though dumpster was relatively empty, there was no way I was gonna go dumpster diving, I do still have some pride left dammit!  And then an angel appeared out of nowhere.  A guy looking for empty cans happened to come by and thankfully he was more than willing to dive into dumpster for me.  Bless his soul a thousand times and a thousand times more!  I was so rattled by the ordeal though, I skipped the movies and went home and did yoga for an hour instead (ive turned to yoga on account im a drama queen to help me cope with the loss of my beloved treadmill for the time being and also to curb my drinking-seems to be working).  Then late last night, HORNY Mover Mofo got drunk and spent over an hour texting/calling me repeatedly, leaving me 5 fucking voicemails (and countless texts) about how he wants to eat my p***y and f**k me so hard!  Who the fuck does that?! he sure wouldn’t have minded the 30 minute car ride then, even though he was drunk as fuck and it was past midnight!  can I just say once again, how right my initial first impression was of him.  I may not know much about life, or anything really, but I do know MOFOS like nobody’s business!  Shoot, I have majored in MOFOS and have a master’s degree on them by now!   It’s a good thing I always keep my phone on SILENT, otherwise this mofo would have been in trouble.  This morning he was calling to apologize…AS IF!  I don’t mind Mofos’ silly nonsense because lets face it, my life would be rather boring without it, but when  it starts to veer into creeper stalker status, that’s when I GTFO.  do not pass, do not collect, go straight to deadzone mofo!  A creeper mofo can turn dangerous and even deadly so cant be too careful!  And the final cherry on the mofo cupcake was this morning when I go to my car and see that out of a line of cars parked on the street, the birds chose my car ONLY to anoint with their special blessings.  And boy did they bless it!! 

[LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG dramatic SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH] 

some people do consider that good luck I suppose.  Here’s hoping they are right.  *fingerscrossed*

I know I know…I said I was gonna stop being such a whiny bitchy bitch but I mean…shit (literally-thankublessedbirds)  keeps happening to me and that’s all I know how to do…WHINE, BITCH, COMPLAIN and NAG.  See im perfect wife material already.