the ice queen..

So mommie dearest finally got the memo that I cant be bothered with her.  She was in hospital recently and I never visited.  I only called her once after she been there several days and spoke to her for less than 2 minutes.  She got the message, loud and clear.  she said she still cares about me, even if I don’t care about her.  then started to cry at which point I told her I had to go.  What does she expect me to do with her crocodile tears.   Where was all this caring when I was a child.  When it was crucial to my development.  If I turned out a cold heartless bitch, its only because I was brought up by a cold mean woman.  I am aware of my iciness.  I really just don’t give too many fucks about too many things.  But who’s to blame for that.  If not her, then WHO.  My very first recollection of my mother, back when I was 3 or 4, was she is a mean old witch and I hate her.  What 3 year old feels that way about their mother.  So clearly the lions’ share of the blame lies at her feet.  Sure she has tried to make it up in latter years but the damage was done.  These days, I prefer to keep her at a distance.  What else does she want from me.  I cant make myself feel love when it just isnt there.  Come to think of it, there’s not much love in my heart these days for anyone.  The only people I can honestly say I love are my son and nieces.   Maybe I’ve forgotten how to love.   And whose fault is it really.  My life, the circumstances I’ve been in, and the people I’ve been surrounded by, were not exactly the ideal environment for love to blossom.  I suppose some  of the blame is my own as well, because I could’ve chosen not to allow my heart to turn to stone.  When it did, I certainly didn’t stop it.  and now as the days go by, I feel the cold hardness setting in deeper and deeper….completely enveloping me.  Every day I care just a little less.  Its in the little details.  Like when people call me, I rarely return phone calls.  And if I do, I always make sure it’s days later so they get the message not to disturb me with silly phone calls.  When I’ve decided I don’t want to deal with someone anymore, I simply cut them off.  No words, no goodbyes.  Just silence.  I’ve been icing out a lot of people lately.  Why, I don’t know why.  The most simple answer is that I just cant be bothered by them anymore.  I care less and less as time goes on.  I wasn’t always like this.  Once upon a time, I did care… too much.  This is what happens when life shits on you over and over again and people let you down 98% of the time.  Eventually the caring and sharing stops and a jaded numbness settles in to replace it…(can it be reversed?)  I am what I am.  And mommie dearest will just have to deal with the ice storm she created.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and yet----------------------------

That being said however, and you already know im a contradictory soul, there are certain painful moments in my life that I’ve (weirdly) attached to movies and whenever I happen to see those movies, I am shocked at the overwhelmingly intense tidal wave of emotions that sweeps over me, bringing me to my knees in deep soul-wracking sobs.  Well actually its only two movies, Vanilla Sky and Castaway.  And in each one there is one specific scene that triggers the above reaction from me.  In Vanilla Sky, it’s the scene towards the end when he is saying goodbye to his love on the roof of the building….…the words he says….”I lost you when I got in that car”….i’ll explain the why in a minute…in castaway, of course the soccer ball scene is heartwrenching, but another one that does it for me is when he goes to her house and even though they still love each other….they know its goodbye…its too late and choices were made.   Both movies came out shortly after the death of one of my bfs.  i rarely ever speak of him, don’t think I mentioned him here.  he certainly has no code name….he is from a different time in my life.. its been about 12 years now.. suffice it to say, his death was the most devastingly painful event  of my life thus far (although the beast came in a close 2^nd -or is it a tie? ).  I remember sitting in the movie theater watching these movies and feeling like they captured and expressed what I could not put into words…so much so, that even now, all these years later, when I don’t even remember him anymore, when I convince myself I never knew real love anyways…my soul has not forgotten the pain of losing him..a pain that still has the power to take my breath away… or perhaps, its that it joined forces with the pain of everything that happened with the Beast…and became one singular heartache….and where does all this pain and heartache hide in the meantime….in those moments, I still FEEL….in those moments I am reminded that once upon a time I did love…with all my heart and soul…(how easy it is now to forget that, sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened…) and I wonder……am i still capable of feeling such depth of emotions still.  And will I ever get a chance to find out again.…as the days go on, I really don’t think so, but I’ve been proven wrong before.

"She is no longer I, she is too long ago, she is only she...”-Wicked